Not your mother's white flag

This is going to sound weird to anyone who doesnt know me well.  To my close friends - it's just par for the course - I both love and hate the time of laying in bed before I fall asleep. For the exact same reason.

It never fails - I'll spend my entire day exhausted, running from place to place - responsibility to responsibility - but within minutes of my head hitting the pillow, I'm back up grabbing my laptop or journal to help me process the flood of thoughts that came out of no where.  And tonight's no different so here I am.  I just hope it all comes together in a way that's not going to get me committed to a looney bin.

Let's talk about surrender.

Even to just write the word the flood of negative emotions come up to that.  Giving up. Giving in. Losing.  But this year that's all been challenged for me.  Surrender - so I hear - can be a GOOD thing.  Something that will make me a better person.  Something that will take away anxiety and stress.  Well - let me tell you, i've tried it a couple times, and I was reminded why I was on Zoloft for a while.  It's a horrible feeling to me - being totally dependant on someone or something else.  Not knowing an outcome.  Being completely open to surprise. Ugh.  I threw up in my mouth a little just saying that.

Today the stars aligned and I was FINALLY able to get to yoga at my gym.  I've been wanting to go FOREVER and never made it because it's so late & there's no child care.  And I have a seriously time management issue. Seriously - we call it "Cindi Standard Time".  One friend will add a full hour to when I'm expected to arrive.  I'm working on it... But because a phone call was rescheduled & Drew was home to watch the kiddos & the kiddos cooperated with an early bath time & I got my act together - I made it there!  I enjoy yoga, but i"m relatively new to it.  I dont know much about yoga - like the fact that there's apparently a ton of different types of yoga. And today I was introduced to Yin yoga - a style of yoga that (as it's explained to me) focuses on surrender.  It has to do with the whole male/female - light/dark - yin/yang thing.  It's about embracing the joys of letting go. Basically, whereas "yang yoga" is more about strength and using your muscles actively, "yin yoga" is about getting into a position & holding it for anywhere from 4 to 24 minutes.  It's about allowing your body to process through the discomfort - sounds simple?  Give it a go - for the next 3 minutes, sit completely still in your chair.  Dont shift because your left butt cheek fell asleep. Dont lean over to scratch your leg.  Dont tap your fingers on your desk.  Just sit in position for three minutes.  Now come up with the most uncomfortable position you can think of and that's yoga. :)

This may surprise some of you out there but I'm a bit of a control freak.  Ask around - people will tell you.  I'm not OCD, but I like things the way I like things. Ask my husband about how it went when he tried to be helpful & rearranged the pantry. And then the dish cabinets.  Seriously - it put us in therapy.  I wish I was kidding.  I'm pretty sure the fact that his moving the coffee cups BACK (yeah...I know you're trying to be sneaky, but i'm on to you buddy) to where  I don't like them is giving me a rash. Again - I wish I was kidding.  It's just how I roll.  BUT - I'm working on it.  I havent moved the coffee cups back to where I want them even tho I want to break one every time I open the cabinet.  It's a practice...  You could also ask Drew about watching the movie "The Avengers" with me.  I cant believe he stayed in the same room with me.  I can't believe I watched the entire thing and didnt break my computer.  I have issue with action movies & chick flicks - I can only suspend reality so far. And I'm sorry - when Captain Freaking Amercia comes down and gives you orders you dont ask WHY you're supposed to take orders from him - he's CAPTAIN FREAKING AMERICA!!!  And SERIOUSLY - how is it that the Hulk always has pants on, but then wakes up naked?  I mean, let's pretend that they'll stretch enough to go from average sized man to the not-so-jolly green giant, wouldnt he still have them on when he woke up bc he was laying down? I mean - I'm only going to complain so much b/c a hot actor is generally cast (yay Ed Norton!!!) but REALLY?  And why he just take his pants off to being with so they dont get ripped?  I'm pretty sure judging by the size of the Hulk's fists, no one's going to say anything about...well, you know what they say about a guy with big hands...

I'm off topic... The point is that I can only suspend reality so far.  Surrender isnt my thing.  Even a little.

But I had an amazing experience in yoga today.  Being new to yoga the exercises & poses are still very difficult for me. I'm moderately flexible to some degree, but I still want to back over yoga instructors with my car b/c it's just unnatural what they can do. And I'm jealous of that.  So it was a big struggle for me to find my way into a pose and then work through the discomfort while I was there.  And the instructor said to imagine a friend helping you through the poses.  Immediately my mind went to my Buddy Lindsay.  And it was like she was there with me.  I imagined her gently guiding me more deeply into poses.  I imagined her reminding me to just breath (as she often does anyway!).  I imagined her with me each step of the way & having that support made things seem easier.  More comfortable.  Like something I could get through.  She's my relaxation muse.  She's someone I can surrender to and that's very special to me.  And that's no just make believe in yoga - she's that person to me in the real world.  She's the person to talk me off a ledge & back up from laying down and rolling over.  She's the person there helping me to embrace the world & get out of my shell.  She tells me when I get to be right & she point out when it's my turn to be wrong (Rare but i happens).  She's one of the few people in my world that I will comfortably look in the eye.  There's not a doubt in my mind that when I need a spot - she's the one I want behind me because she will never let me fall.

My practice in surrender petrifies me because it means opening myself up to being burned again and again.  It means standing on a trust fall platform praying to God that everyone is still there even though I can't see them & they're ready to catch me.  I have more than just Lindsay in my world to support me - more people than I will attempt to list out of fear of missing someone.  By surrounding myself with the right people who love me and support me, over and over again I'll be reminded what it feels like to release into the unknown and come out the other side stronger.  And it might mean moving some people slightly further out from my circle of influence, but it also means filling my inner circle with those whose love & light will not just shine to warm my heart and spirit but to lift me up to becoming closer to the person I was made to be.  And if I play my cards right - I just might be that person to them too.  

A seemingly random post on facebook today came back to me in a whole new light when considering surrender.  A friend of mine was talking about his Dad - who would have been 97 today if he was still alive - and spoke so highly of what a fantastic man he was.  He cared for his family & was a hard worker to put all 10 kids through Catholic schools & was an all around great role model - especially judging by results in Michael.  And someone commented "Can anyone be that anymore?"  And I had to post back - of COURSE they CAN.  It's not a question of can they - it's a matter of WILL they.  Will someone do what it takes to be the person that meets their goals and dreams or will someone count the costs and sell themselves short?  That's an individual decision that we're all faced with each day with small wants & big dreams. Are you a muse or just a joke?

Through the US in 50 Foods - Day 1

So I decided to get creative in hopes of getting my kids excited about food, including in the grocery shopping/meal planning, and interested in tiring new foods.  I came up with the idea - because the kids have been really into maps (both world & the US) - that we'd learn about the US through food.  So each day in June we'd pick a state, learn about what food it's known for and then make a meal designed around that.  So far it's been fun, but I quickly learned that this project is more to keep me excited about cooking and home and not eatting out as much and that the kids aren't as into it as I expected, but i'm about twice as into it as I expected!

So today was day 1 really.  Yesterday Olivia and I picked some states and some foods and I did the grocery shopping. HOLY CRAP was it expensive! But mostly because I bought alot of gluten free baking stuff that will stay in the pantry for other projects. We'll be making gluten free apple pie to celebrate Washington - or Michigan because I did end up with Michigan Apples. Who knew?!

This afternoon for lunch I made Cuban Sandwiches - YAY FLORIDA!!!  They were delicious, thanks to Alton Brown & some Supermom ad libbing.  You can find the basic recipe listed below.  I improvised to make a gluten and dairy free version for AJ - then Drew told me that the kids had just eatten lunch like an hour before. Ooops - I'd slept because I had a very long night, and I didnt even think to ask.  Oh well - more for me!!! So the gluten free version was made on an Udi's gluten free hamburger bun and I used Veggie Slices vegan mozzarella cheese.  Since I dont own a panini press I used a quesadialla maker and a waffle maker (The waffle maker was used as a weight to smoosh the quesadilla maker closed... I told you - Supermom.).  It was good food & pretty fun to make. :)

And to celebrate Indiana - and because who doesnt love snacks! - I found a recipe for popcorn balls. I've never actually eatten a popcorn ball, but here's what I've learned: It's hands down the most unhealthy snack in the history of the entire world of unhealthy snacks.  You can find the recipe listed below, but allow me to summarize:

1.  Take nine different types of sugar and melt them with butter and the smallest amount of water humanly possible. Water is healthy and healthy must be avoided to all extent in this recipe.
2. Bring it to a boil and dump in a bucket load of popcorn. Good luck finding a bowl big enough btw.
3.  Before the sugar stops boiling - stick your hands in it to make balls.
4.  Take those sticky balls and open a plastic bag with your sticky hands to store them.
5.  Do that nine million times because you used a bucket full of popcorn.


It was one of those cases where I read the recipe and it totally didnt sink in until the 900* sugary mixture (that I'm not convinced isnt able to be used to hang wallpaper with) was burning the flesh off of my oil covered hands and THEN I thought to myself "well this doesn't seem well thought out on anyone's part".  This was one of those projects where so much time was sent laughing at myself over that I just couldnt help having fun.  I again had to improvise because I just could NOT get the balls to keep shape & I realized that the wallpaper sugar was sticking to my hands (and everything else within 28 feet) and when I tried to put the ball down it fell apart.  So I ended up using a silicon cupcake cup thingy (I bake often, can you tell?) and using that to form the ball-ish shape.  I was pretty proud of myself for how well that worked out.  I couldnt avoid the sticky hands no matter what I did, which is why it's a GREAT idea to have a printed recipe for all those times wehre you're like "no way this is the right way to do this..." and then have to look back NOT on a touch screen laptop for it to tell you you were in fact doing it right.  The sugar was so stringy and sticky I thought to myself that it looked like I went to third base with Spider-man. Why THATS where my mind went I have no idea - I blame the Al Greene in the background...

Anyway - half way through I decided that there wasnt enough sugar and we needed more. So Olivia helped by putting a spoon full of sprinkles into the cup so that when i added the popcorn, the top was coated with sprinkles - and then completely rocking out to New Kids on the Block and Michael Buble with me. That was a very important Step (by step... Oh baby!) I will now send those to school with her to jack up everyone else's kids with sugar and make the teachers cry. Which could actually explain the little suggestion on the website - and no, i cant make this stuff up - where it recommends serving a sparkling wine with the popcorn balls. It's to dull the pain of the fact that your kids are LITERALLY bouncing off the walls because they're pumped with enough sugar to probably build a life sized Payton Manning pastry.   And that's what makes Indiana awesome!!

So the kids may not be as into the project as I had hoped, but it's only day 1.  We have so much more to look forward to and i'm so excited about it.  I should probably be taking pictures along the way and maybe I will, but for today I enjoy eatting and sharing later.  I love that I'm excited about cooking again & I can share in a project with the kids.  Whether they know it or not, the kids are learning an important lesson or two about food - first, popcorn balls are RIDICULOUSNESS.  Second, Mom's a little crazy and it's fun.  Third, cooking & eatting is rarely about food in our culture - it's about being together, trying something new, and having a great time.  Everything else is just a bonus.

Alton Brown's Cuban Sandwich Recipe

Best Ever Popcorn Balls

Light It Up Blue

I've never been a fan of April Fools Day, and now I'm even more excited for the day to pass quickly. April is Autism Awareness Month, and April 2nd specifically is Light It Up Blue for Autism put together by Autism Speaks. Lightbulbs all over the world will be changed out for blue on this day. From quiet suburban homes to large sky scrapers in the world's biggest cities will go blue. Hmm...this makes me wonder...if the light bulb is part of an environmental initiative, is it then considered Light it Up Aqua because it's a green-blue bulb? I digress...

To celebrate Light It Up Blue, I invited friends, families and business owners to join me in the effort to raise awareness for autism & I've been so humbled by the rally of support. And it's also raised my awareness of how common autism awareness actually is in our country, even still. "Autism" is a huge buzz word in our society, especially in the debate over medical care and vaccinations and "kids today". With the growing numbers of diagnosis world wide - the CONSERVATIVE guess is 1 out of every 150 kids, but more recent studies are showing closer to 1 in ever 97 kids on the spectrum - there's a good chance that your family is affected by autism or a family you're very close to is. And there's a REAL good chance that someone you know is because - duh - you're reading my blog.

I'll admit - It's hard for me to really make an objective gauge on how prevalent the buzz about autism is in the world because it makes up about 98% of my world. It has changed how I eat, what I read, where I shop, who I spend my time with, where I go to the doctor. It has guided me to meet new people & stay away from others. It's my life. It's my mission & it's the mission of so many people I know. And I'm smart enough to realize that not everyone will care as much about autism as I do & honestly - I'm a tad jealous most days of that. Because it means you dont have to because it hasnt turned your life upside down. Its the same way I'm super excited I dont have to know much about diabetes - I care about it, and I want to know about it but I'm not trudging through it so I do what I can be content to learn for the sake of supporting those I love. And because of that fact, the support of those invited who opted in to Light It Up Blue, maybe for me and maybe for someone else they know, is overwhelming. To those who take part, it may just be a literal light bulb. But for me, it's a figurative light bulb in a lot of ways & it warms my heart to see the support.

So I thought it might be good to put some ideas out there. The whole point of Light It Up Blue is to do something out of the ordinary so that someone will ask "What's the dealio?" and open that opportunity to have a conversation about autism. So what else can you do besides a bulb? Let's brain storm!

• Hang up or wear a glow stick.
• Hang up blue Christmas Lights.
• Put a sign in your yard or window.
• Wear blue clothes for the day.
• Wear blue make up for the day.
• Wear blue underwear and tell everyone you pass. (I just wanted to see if anyone was really paying attention on this one. Please dont. If you do, however, please reread your work's sexual harassment policy by April 1st. And dont blame me for any slaps in the face.)
• Men - vacuum. This has nothing to do with Light It Up Blue, but seriously - just do it anyway. (Ladies - you're welcome)
• Paint your fingernails blue. This is SUPER effective for men to get questions. I actually always keep my left blue pinky fingernail painted blue regardless of what color the rest of my nails are painted. Someone once asked if I was in a cult... I found it weird that that's where his brain went.
• Wear blue hair extensions. I think Sally Beauty supply has them for like $5.
• Change your email background or font to blue for the day or the month.
• Ladies - wear something blue and sexy for your man! (Men, YOU'RE welcome.)

There's more ideas out there, so be creative. Think St. Patty's Day, and do all that stuff, only blue. (gluten free blue beer anyone?!?!)

So here's the part that will be tricky for most people I think - when someone does ask you "Dude...what's up with your blue beer?" what are you supposed to say to them? If you have the time, go to www.autismspeaks.org and read up a little bit. But otherwise, here's some quick tips on what you can tell them & where to refer them.

"Autism" is a general term to describe a host of complex disorders. Autism takes on many, many appearances - from that quiet, quirky kid in your class to kids who are severely physically and mentally impared - some to the point of being non-verbal. There isnt just one "cause" for autism. There's alot of research being done, including the Autism Genome Project looking at the genetic basis of autism. Research is also looking into triggers from the immune system, gastrointestinal issues and prenatal care by the mother. It's commonly stated "genetics loads the gun, environment pulls the trigger". Autistic children and adults simply have a completely different way of looking at the world around us. "Rainman" is no longer the face of autism - strangly enough, Jenny McCarthy kinda is! Recovery is possible in some cases through diet changes & restrictions and other treatments. Therapies are often utilized - applied behavior thearpy, occupational therapy, physical therapy, speech therapy - but in many states are not convered by insurance. For families who have a child recently diagnosed with autism, Autism Speaks has what they call the 100 Day Packet available for download on their website offering information and resources to help get through the confusion. For anyone who is in need of having their child evaluated, contact your local school district. Some districts have programs available.

Some autism websites:

Autism Speaks www.autismspeaks.org

Generation Rescue www.generationrescue.org

FAU Center for Autism Research and Development http://www.coe.fau.edu/centersandprograms/card/default.aspx

Dan Marino Foundation www.danmarinofoundation.org

Oakstone Academy www.oakstoneacademy.org & www.oakstoneacademypalmbeach.org

The McGeary Story - Arbonne & Autism

Again & as always, I’m not a doctor. This is a telling of my story & experience. Speaking with your own doctor is IMPERATIVE in any treatment. Also, adhere to all warnings & label information on all Arbonne products, as they are not intended to cure any disorders or diseases.
I’m always interested in talking with other families & Arbonnettes about autism & its treatments. Please feel free to forward this onto friends, families and loved ones as you see fit. I can be found on Facebook (www.facebook.com/cindimcgeary1881900), or emailed at RecoveryNinja2012@gmail.com. Enjoy and thank you for giving me an opportunity where my experience and struggles can make a difference!

A lot of what you’ll find when you search for “Arbonne and Autism” or special needs, you’ll see a list of products that people have used to help keep their family healthy. You’ll read about how most of our products are no gluten. You’ll learn that we use no animal byproducts and are never tested on animals. Arbonne is vegan certified & uses botanicals instead of chemicals to make the purest, safest products you can find. And don’t get me wrong – I LOVE that Arbonne helps me to limit the chemical exposure my family gets, but that’s not what’s changed my life.

What has changed my life is the INCOME that comes with Arbonne.

The fact is that I’m on a mission to recover my son from autism. That’s right – UNDIAGNOSIS or bust, baby! And protein shakes and face wash will only get me so far – unless I’m on the business end of that deal! Recovery from autism is no small thing – there are A LOT of doctor’s appointments, various treatments and blood work and lab tests. For many there are speech therapists, behavior therapists, occupational therapists, music therapists. There are nutritionists and dieticians and ENTs and who knows what other specialists – which in many states are NOT covered by medical insurance. Then once you leave the doctor's office, there's vitamins and medications and supplements and organics and specialty foods. One doctor even suggested I replace all of my pots and pans with stainless steel and replace all of my plastic Tupperware with glass corning ware to avoid the chemicals found in those! On top of all that, in a lot of cases, one parent ends up at home because – seriously, with all of those appointments, when are you supposed to get to work?! And that would be assuming you could find child care for a special needs child.

So how do you make this work? That’s where Arbonne comes in. When you find a way to work your business around your life, instead of trying to make your life work around job (which stands for “Just Over Broke” in way too many cases!) and you can bring in $10,000 a month or more in income by doing what you’re already doing & caring enough about your friends and family to invite them to do the same, something amazing happens.

All of the sudden you’re able to make a decision about your child’s care based onyour values instead of the dollar value.

But here’s my story…

When the diagnosis for autism came back, I didn’t cry. I'm not sure I even blinked. I may have actually poked my husband with an "I told you so". That's kind of who I am. It didn't really seem like that big of a deal at the time. I mean, it wasn't like I could DO anything about it. My pediatrician wasn't acting concerned. The therapists weren't acting like it was a huge deal, so it must be ok, right? It was just before AJ's fourth birthday. I have a background in psychology, so along the developmental milestones I would get a little concerned, but I was always assured that it wasn’t anything I needed to worry about - every child develops at a his own pace, he's your first - you're just over reacting, Mozart didn’t talk until he was 4. I don’t even know if that last one is even true, but it gave me enough of a reason to push back bringing up the dreaded "a-word" to my doctor. Looking back I wish I had followed my instincts and at least gotten early intervention. But hindsight is always 20-20, so I just look forward.

The official diagnosis came in as "PDD-NOS with a prevalent speech delay". Basically, he's on the spectrum, but too high functioning to be labeled Asperger’s. The therapist encouraged me by telling me that with enough therapy, he'd basically "grow out of it". It sounded awesome at the time, but now it just sounds silly. Especially because they neveractually referred me to any actual therapists. And I didn’t even know enough to know I was supposed to ask! Again...20-20 hindsight. But we were referred to a school designed for ASD & other special needs kids. He was put in a small pre-K class with two of the most remarkable teachers we could ever ask for. Within two weeks we noticed that he was speaking more and adapting to change and transition easier. Within a month he was accepted into the inclusion class - a pre-K class of half ASD kids & half "neuro-typical" kids. And that was all I really thought about it. We met for IEP meetings here and there, but all in all just did what we could to raise AJ as "normal" as possible.

In November 2010 I got a call from a good friend of mine, Heather Dobbins, asking if I wanted to meet up for coffee. I'm a working mom, so any chance for girl time that comes up, you can count me in! It turns out that coffee was actually a meeting to introduce me to her new adventure with Arbonne. It was the first time anyone had ever explained to me that toxins - environmental and otherwise - may have an impact on our health and well being. I was glad for the information, but I was already working three part time jobs & I'd done the network marketing thing.

A few months later I was looking for a diet program, not necessarily for weight loss but to help with my migraines & other health issues I was experiencing. I again got a call from Heather with “Girl – we need to chat”. She introduced me to the 30 Days to Fit program. I did a little research about the gluten and diary free diet showing to improve migraine and anxiety symptoms, so I figured I’d give it a go. And to get the better discount, I opted for the Consultant Discount – as Heather said, “If it works, you’re going to tell people about it, right? Wouldn’t you like the chance to get paid?” Who says no to something like that?!

The products work, there’s no doubt about that. The 30 Days to Fit well EXCEEDED my expectations. I lose 25 pounds in about two months of the program. In the first 30 days I lost about 17 pounds, which works out to just over 10% of my body weight. When I hit my high school graduation weight, I knew I was on to something big! Also, I’ve never looked back at anxiety medication or migraine medications.

The 30 Days to Fit program took care of those concerns, but it opened my eyes to the possibility that there was a connection between diet and autism symptoms. As I began to read books on the subject I began to realize how little I knew about autism and how many factors that could influence general health – but could also cause potential dangers if not addressed. The resounding truth was that – ironically enough – the diagnosing therapists were right: Recovery was possible. But it wasn’t going to be easy or conventional. And it certainly was not going to be cheap! Along the way, Arbonne has been “spare time” – I take my business very seriously, and I fit it creatively into my day – and it has so far supplemented my family’s income to pay the doctor bills along the way. I look forward to the day where it begins to replace my income and my husband’s income as it has done for friends and teammates.

And as it can for you

Autism is not my enemy

I went for a run tonight. I almost didn't go - my iPod wasn't charged and I don't like to run without music. But I went anyway. And now i'm really glad I did.

I've been challenged lately to find my mission. What is it that I'm here to do? What is it that I'm here to make better? What will my impact be 100 years from now? And this message just keeps coming up over and over again.

Autism.

I used to hate the word. Everything it represented. Temper tantrums and melt downs. Lack of communication. Withdraw. Social awkwardness. The looks and stares. The judgmental looks and misunderstanding. The constant explanations. The hidden genius. The extra attention. The OCD. The constant... just the CONSTANT. Driving to work some days in tears yelling to no one in particular "this is not what i signed up for!" The word used to be so ugly. And somewhere along the line it became not so ugly.

Autism isn't my enemy. I cannot hate autism. Autism is my mission - it's what I'm called to. You can't HATE what you're called to!!! I'm not here to fight AGAINST autism. I'm here to fight THROUGH it. To help my boy find his way through it. To help other moms find the strength and courage to find their way through it. I'm not an enemy - I am a ninja - by a very special definition that few will understand: I am the Samurai warrior with the gift of laughter. My job is to go behind enemy lines and create a joy that will knock out those who aren't ready for it.

There are a number of people out there called to fight against autism - who understand all the vaccination stuff and biomedical blah blah blah (I'm pretty sure that's a technical term, btw). I'm not that guy. I really would like to be that guy because those guys are amazing. But for now - I'm not. And it's about time that I own that.

Someone told me this week that you cannot work to solve a problem at the same level at which it was created - once energy is invested into it, the problem grows. The only way to fix it is to approach it at a different level. Just tonight i got thinking of what that means for me and autism. Something went hinkey with AJ physically. That's all I know. Something went all wackadoodle in his system biologically and things just arent normal. I mean... sorry for his luck with any hopes of coming out normal with the genetics he got stuck with anyway, but none of us saw this coming. But he's exactly who God made him to be. But to help AJ become his best self, there's some work to be done - just like with all of us. But after all the energy that has been invested by his poor little body on what's been happening, we have to approach it at a bigger level. Fighting fire with fire just creates a bigger fire. We need to be fighting fire with water. Biomedical treatments alone aren't going to do it. There is an element of that, but there's so much more.

I know what I have that works for me and my family. I love sharing what I have and I hope you'll take the time to get to know it. Visit my webpage www.thebestofyourlife.myarbonne.com for some of my story and to learn a little more. I also host live presentations a few times each month for anyone who's interested. But that's not what this is about. That is part of what was revealed to me during my run, but that's a very small part.

Someone told me that a great tool in positive thinking is asking yourself the right questions. Your brain is going to respond and make real whatever you ask of it, so I gave it a try today. So I asked myself "How am I running so fast?" and my brain responded "Because you are strong." "How am I able to run so far?" and my brain responded "because you are strong." "how have I not thrown up yet?" Seriously - it's a practice. I'm not perfect. But a word of advice - don't ask yourself this question. Your body will respond with a gag reflex. No bueno. But I just kept running. And the more I ran - the more tired I got (duh) but the stronger the urge to just keep running. The run became a metaphor for my journey of self discovery. I kept asking "How am I still running?" and the answer came "because Thy word is a lamp unto my feet". "Why am I still running so fast?" and the answer came "because the God works all things together for those who love him." "How am I not tired?!" "because you are called according to His purpose." "How am I still running?!" "Get through the valley! He makes me lie down in green pastures." As I ran, the rhythm of my feet became the words "Stronger. Faster. Resilient." I immediately knew what it meant.

There's a long, LONG road ahead of me. And parts of it are a loop that make me push and push to end up pretty much where I started - only stronger and ready to take it a third time. But it doesn't matter. The course is measured out. It's short. It's fleeting. And I wont be tired at the end of it. I'll be damn tired in the middle of it - sometimes aching for rest and a break even for a minute. And maybe the break will come and I'll get to walk instead of run. Maybe I'll run into a mailbox (i mean...not that I've ACTUALLY done that... more than once...) and a break will come in the form of being carried. But there's no real break here. There's families out there hurting and hurting BAD because of nothing they did intentionally and because they don't understand what happened. There's families out there looking for a group of people who understand them and know that what's happening isn't their fault. There's people that need to know, most importantly - it's not the end of the world! And I'm THAT guy.

I dont know what to tell people when they ask if they should or shouldn't vaccinate. I tell them to visit www.vaxtruth.org and read up. I don't know what to tell people a lot of the time about MOST things! I'm working on that. But what I do know is how to love the run down mom and the overactive kiddos. For them, I'll work every day to be strong. fast. resilient.

FOOTNOTE: I apologize for the lack of coherent transitions. I gave them up - along with gluten.

Let it all out

Not too long ago at the gym, my new trainer asked me a few minutes into our work out "Are you sweating already?!" Immediately I became self-conscious about it. I felt like it was a sign of weakness in some way. As I do often, to cover my embarrassment I went to humor - "Yeah...I kinda sweat like a dude..." He's like "that's awesome!" It made me laugh a little.

I mean, I'll be the first to tell you that I'm pretty cool for a lot of reasons, but I assure you that I could go on for a very long time about my favorite things about my favorite topic (me!!!) and NEVER would bring up my pits. Probably...

It took me a bit, but I eventually got why it was such a great thing. Sweating is one of the body's way of detoxifying - getting out that crap that we take in through our food, water and the air around us. If you look up "Perspiration" on Wikipedia, it's defined as "the production of a fluid consisting primarily of water, as well as various dissolved solids". Yeah...that's gross. But as a fun little tid-bit, sweat isn't why we're stinky. It's the bacteria on our skin. So we're already stinky - sweat just brings it out. :) I know a few people in my world that have a knack at bringing out my stinkiness...

It's a little funny to me that this short interaction came back to me today. I have spent a good portion of the last week cranky (to put it mildly!). Not because of anything specific necessarily - just one of those days where everything anyone says, thinks, does or doesn't do is the most obnoxious event to ever transpire. I'll address the elephant in the room - especially for the guys who have learned by near death experiences to never explicitly ask the question - yes, i'm most likely PMSing. However - there's alot more going on than just that. Given the life I've chosen - my work, my family life, my social life - I operated on a relatively high level of stress. I mean seriously - for FUN I train to be able to RUN for a distance that frustrate people to have to DRIVE! And lately I think all of that just came to a boil.

As an Autism Mom taking my boy through the recovery process, I understand the importance of detoxification. There's just so much stuff going on in his little, conflicted body that needs to get out so that he can heal. And there's so many different areas that need detoxified that the processes need to be done carefully and systemically. There must be an order to the process or it can overcome the body and things will go horribly, horribly wrong. The process of chelation - extracting the heavy metals from the body - has scared me for a long time because children have actually DIED because it was done too quickly for their little bodies to handle. It's not common but it happens if it's not done right. And watching the detoxification process actually work and seeing the changes that come about is just amazing. When I first started AJ on the Gluten & Dairy Free diet, I was skeptical. I mean, sure I'd heard stories and read books and whatever, but seriously - its bread!!! What could possibly happen? And how quickly could it possibly work?

Oh. My. Goodness. Did he show me what a fool I'd been!

Two weeks into the diet, the kids and I were at my chiropractor's office so that I could get an adjustment. The kids usually hang out in the waiting room just outside the adjustment rooms. I was in the adjustment room and AJ walked in. He hopped up on the table next to me, looks me square in the eye with prolonged, intense eye contact and asked me "do you want a cup of water, mom?" Even as I retell this story for the 9 gazillionth time, it brings tears to my eyes. Autistic kids dont make real eye contact - that' like the #1 symptom doctors look for in the diagnosis. And for him to consider that I might be thirsty and want something to drink too just blew me away. It's a seemingly simple conversation, but that day changed everything for me. That could be the most important cup of water I'll ever have.

My relationship with my husband started over a cup of coffee. My relationship with my son changed over a cup of water. :)

The importance of getting the bad stuff out is integral in our well being as a person. It's how we're designed - full of filtration systems and balancing hormones and excretion methods. There's an element of our way of being that drives us to keep away from the bad, but bad happens - sometimes I'll ingest spoiled food, but I'll get that out pretty quickly. Sometimes bad things happen in my world, but it's about extracting those things so it doesn't happen again. Sometimes i'm in a bad mood, but - for me - expressing emotion, talking over solutions with friends, and taking a mental health day can put me right back on track. It's all about not staying STUCK in the bad things, but processing through and getting back into the positive.

I recently learned that a 10 minute argument with a loved one will take the body EIGHT HOURS to get itself back into balance. The flood of hormones will throw the body off for THAT LONG. So if you get in a fight in the morning, it will take an entire work day to get back on track. Assuming no one else does something stupid all day. HAHA! Let me know how that goes. Seriously.

Finding balance in the day is so important. It's long been found that stress is tough on the body. It can result in weight gain, heart disease, high blood pressure, migraines, and a laundry list of other ailments - big and small. And it's GOING to happen. The way the world is set up, stressful encounters are inevidable - cars will break down, spouses will say something stupid, kids will disobey, the weather will not cooperate, computers will continue to not save documents, bosses will be demanding, clients will be frustrating, dogs will eat homework. It's GOING to happen. Sometimes all at once. Sometimes all at once over the course of a week. But that's not the end of the story. There's an old proverb that says "As a man thinkeith in his heart, so he is." And further more - "From an overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." So imagine letting all the crap of the day filling your heart like a bucket. When it gets full, it just comes pouring out through words, insults and general attitude. Im a remarkably expressive, dramatic person by nature. It takes alot of work to keep my sarcasm and cynicism in check. It's a matter of what I choose to fill my love bucket with - will I focus on the jack-bag who cut me off on the way to work or will I focus on the person who held the elevator for me that morning? It's my call - my attitude it 100% my fault, good or bad. And sometimes when I'm not careful, my love bucket becomes a muck bucket (the bucket used to clean out animals stalls... it's not pretty). And when that happens it's my responsibility to approprately detox and dump in a way where no one gets poop on them. It's not easy - and most of the time I'm REALLY not good at it. But this weekend - after days of getting it wrong - I FINALLY go it right.

I started my yesterday with yoga outside by the pool on a beautiful day. My kids joined in some of the exercises, but mostly just played in the backyard. It was a beautiful, south florida spring day. About 75* with a clear, sunny sky and a light breeze. I totally get why trees exude peace - standing in tree pose in the sun with the breeze through your hair is like a tiny slice of heaven, let me tell you. From there, I got a babysitter and hung out with a friend ALL DAY. I had a day of familiars and of firsts - I had lunch at a chain restaurant from home - Skyline Chili WHAT UP! - I learned a new sport (to watch, not to play!), met new friends, went to a new restaurant and tried 2 new drinks. We went to a comedy festival and I laughed ALOT. There was an outdoor show of an orchestra playing across the street, so we stopped in for that. I went to South Beach for the first time - well that was an experience, especially since it's spring break time! It was just such a fun day all the way around. I broke my diet in a HUGE way that day, but it's not the end of the world. Yesterday was a day of detox for me. It was getting away from the stress and just playing for a day. I need that on occasion. And not necessarily getting a sitter and leaving the world behind, but I need play to create that balance in my world.

My world isnt perfect. My world isnt easy all the time. But it's MY world - full of people and activities and things I love. So excuse my muck pile - there's no room for the crap in my bucket.

Call me a Gleek because I'm going in a new direction!

The past year has been very much a journey of self discovery. Who I am, who I'm not, and most importantly - who God has designed me to be. Here's some of what I've found so far!

I'm SKINNY!!! Who knew! Almost 25 pounds GONE and stayed gone for almost a full year now.

I'm STRONG! Physically & mentally. And developing in each of those ways can be hard work and painful at times, but dedication and practice eases that over time.

I'm TRUSTING! And there's people out there who are worth trusting.

"MAYBE" is the worst word EVER. Commit to something or don't. If it's not worth an absolute commitment to, dont waste time and energy - say NO. It's not saving hurt feelings when you bail at the last minute because something more important finally came up to give an out. Keep your word in one of four areas: Yes. No. I don't understand. I have no excuse.

Autism SUCKS. Say what you what - "It makes me a better parent" and what have you, and I believe it does. But in the same way going to the doctor to get my lady parts checked out keeps me a healthy lady, it's still not my idea of a good time. And maybe some out there GENUINELY are happy that autism is in their life, but I'm just not one of those people. I love my son where he is and I'm learning alot about health, patience and percerverence because of his autism, but given my choice - if I could go back in time, I'd ask God to make him neurotypical. Agree with that or not, but that's where I am. And there's nothing wrong with it. Giving my son as "normal" of a life he could ever expect to have as a shoot on the Bowling/McGeary family tree keeps me moving toward recovery for him. I believe in the center of my very being that God has big plans for that boy and it's my God given responsibility to make sure that nothing holds him back from that. And that includes a debilitating social condition.

I'm a NINJA - and this will make sense to some, but not as much to others. I have the capacity to be committed as a Samuri, and at the same time I've been given a remarkable gift of laughter - to myself and to others (BOOBS - one guy out there will get that!!!) and even AT myself when the situation calls for it. This gift of humor can be used to help others meet their goals or it can send them to the grave yard. But either way - it's a blessing and a gift. And I choose to use it for good and not evil.

I'm NEVER ALONE. In every area of my life, God has blessed me with a support system with gifts exactly what I need. Be it world experience, spiritual insight, physical training, a book recommendation... whatever is needed, God will provide. And i'm also given the chance to do that for others! The Redwood Forest is a great place to live.

I'm only OUT OF THE GAME when I TAKE MYSELF OUT of the game. Life's hard sometimes. Not everything pans out the way I expect. But as long as I keep my feet moving, course correct, and just DO SOMETHING, I'm still a vital part of the game.

I'm WORTH IT. I deserve to reach my goals and dreams because God did not design "ok" stuff. He designed GOOD stuff. He didnt make cookie-cutter people - he made unique individuals which He loves and cherishes more than any other creation. And he made ALOT of stuff, so that means something! He doesnt want me to just survive; He wants me to LIVE. And do that well - stepping out into the world in generosity, abundance and joyfully.

An idea worth HAVING is an idea worth ACTING on. And if its not, I put it out of my head.

Sometimes "love" means agreeing to not smother each other with a pillow at night.

Sometimes "love" means fighting through the important issues.

Sometimes "love" means you get your needs met.

Sometimes "love" means you dont get your needs met.

But ALWAYS "love" is a choice to be made. Fall in or get out.

Just because "THAT'S WHO I AM" doesn't make it right. Or set in stone. If it's not working - CHANGE!