The past year has been very much a journey of self discovery. Who I am, who I'm not, and most importantly - who God has designed me to be. Here's some of what I've found so far!
I'm SKINNY!!! Who knew! Almost 25 pounds GONE and stayed gone for almost a full year now.
I'm STRONG! Physically & mentally. And developing in each of those ways can be hard work and painful at times, but dedication and practice eases that over time.
I'm TRUSTING! And there's people out there who are worth trusting.
"MAYBE" is the worst word EVER. Commit to something or don't. If it's not worth an absolute commitment to, dont waste time and energy - say NO. It's not saving hurt feelings when you bail at the last minute because something more important finally came up to give an out. Keep your word in one of four areas: Yes. No. I don't understand. I have no excuse.
Autism SUCKS. Say what you what - "It makes me a better parent" and what have you, and I believe it does. But in the same way going to the doctor to get my lady parts checked out keeps me a healthy lady, it's still not my idea of a good time. And maybe some out there GENUINELY are happy that autism is in their life, but I'm just not one of those people. I love my son where he is and I'm learning alot about health, patience and percerverence because of his autism, but given my choice - if I could go back in time, I'd ask God to make him neurotypical. Agree with that or not, but that's where I am. And there's nothing wrong with it. Giving my son as "normal" of a life he could ever expect to have as a shoot on the Bowling/McGeary family tree keeps me moving toward recovery for him. I believe in the center of my very being that God has big plans for that boy and it's my God given responsibility to make sure that nothing holds him back from that. And that includes a debilitating social condition.
I'm a NINJA - and this will make sense to some, but not as much to others. I have the capacity to be committed as a Samuri, and at the same time I've been given a remarkable gift of laughter - to myself and to others (BOOBS - one guy out there will get that!!!) and even AT myself when the situation calls for it. This gift of humor can be used to help others meet their goals or it can send them to the grave yard. But either way - it's a blessing and a gift. And I choose to use it for good and not evil.
I'm NEVER ALONE. In every area of my life, God has blessed me with a support system with gifts exactly what I need. Be it world experience, spiritual insight, physical training, a book recommendation... whatever is needed, God will provide. And i'm also given the chance to do that for others! The Redwood Forest is a great place to live.
I'm only OUT OF THE GAME when I TAKE MYSELF OUT of the game. Life's hard sometimes. Not everything pans out the way I expect. But as long as I keep my feet moving, course correct, and just DO SOMETHING, I'm still a vital part of the game.
I'm WORTH IT. I deserve to reach my goals and dreams because God did not design "ok" stuff. He designed GOOD stuff. He didnt make cookie-cutter people - he made unique individuals which He loves and cherishes more than any other creation. And he made ALOT of stuff, so that means something! He doesnt want me to just survive; He wants me to LIVE. And do that well - stepping out into the world in generosity, abundance and joyfully.
An idea worth HAVING is an idea worth ACTING on. And if its not, I put it out of my head.
Sometimes "love" means agreeing to not smother each other with a pillow at night.
Sometimes "love" means fighting through the important issues.
Sometimes "love" means you get your needs met.
Sometimes "love" means you dont get your needs met.
But ALWAYS "love" is a choice to be made. Fall in or get out.
Just because "THAT'S WHO I AM" doesn't make it right. Or set in stone. If it's not working - CHANGE!
