This is going to sound weird to anyone who doesnt know me well. To my close friends - it's just par for the course - I both love and hate the time of laying in bed before I fall asleep. For the exact same reason.
It never fails - I'll spend my entire day exhausted, running from place to place - responsibility to responsibility - but within minutes of my head hitting the pillow, I'm back up grabbing my laptop or journal to help me process the flood of thoughts that came out of no where. And tonight's no different so here I am. I just hope it all comes together in a way that's not going to get me committed to a looney bin.
Let's talk about surrender.
Even to just write the word the flood of negative emotions come up to that. Giving up. Giving in. Losing. But this year that's all been challenged for me. Surrender - so I hear - can be a GOOD thing. Something that will make me a better person. Something that will take away anxiety and stress. Well - let me tell you, i've tried it a couple times, and I was reminded why I was on Zoloft for a while. It's a horrible feeling to me - being totally dependant on someone or something else. Not knowing an outcome. Being completely open to surprise. Ugh. I threw up in my mouth a little just saying that.
Today the stars aligned and I was FINALLY able to get to yoga at my gym. I've been wanting to go FOREVER and never made it because it's so late & there's no child care. And I have a seriously time management issue. Seriously - we call it "Cindi Standard Time". One friend will add a full hour to when I'm expected to arrive. I'm working on it... But because a phone call was rescheduled & Drew was home to watch the kiddos & the kiddos cooperated with an early bath time & I got my act together - I made it there! I enjoy yoga, but i"m relatively new to it. I dont know much about yoga - like the fact that there's apparently a ton of different types of yoga. And today I was introduced to Yin yoga - a style of yoga that (as it's explained to me) focuses on surrender. It has to do with the whole male/female - light/dark - yin/yang thing. It's about embracing the joys of letting go. Basically, whereas "yang yoga" is more about strength and using your muscles actively, "yin yoga" is about getting into a position & holding it for anywhere from 4 to 24 minutes. It's about allowing your body to process through the discomfort - sounds simple? Give it a go - for the next 3 minutes, sit completely still in your chair. Dont shift because your left butt cheek fell asleep. Dont lean over to scratch your leg. Dont tap your fingers on your desk. Just sit in position for three minutes. Now come up with the most uncomfortable position you can think of and that's yoga. :)
This may surprise some of you out there but I'm a bit of a control freak. Ask around - people will tell you. I'm not OCD, but I like things the way I like things. Ask my husband about how it went when he tried to be helpful & rearranged the pantry. And then the dish cabinets. Seriously - it put us in therapy. I wish I was kidding. I'm pretty sure the fact that his moving the coffee cups BACK (yeah...I know you're trying to be sneaky, but i'm on to you buddy) to where I don't like them is giving me a rash. Again - I wish I was kidding. It's just how I roll. BUT - I'm working on it. I havent moved the coffee cups back to where I want them even tho I want to break one every time I open the cabinet. It's a practice... You could also ask Drew about watching the movie "The Avengers" with me. I cant believe he stayed in the same room with me. I can't believe I watched the entire thing and didnt break my computer. I have issue with action movies & chick flicks - I can only suspend reality so far. And I'm sorry - when Captain Freaking Amercia comes down and gives you orders you dont ask WHY you're supposed to take orders from him - he's CAPTAIN FREAKING AMERICA!!! And SERIOUSLY - how is it that the Hulk always has pants on, but then wakes up naked? I mean, let's pretend that they'll stretch enough to go from average sized man to the not-so-jolly green giant, wouldnt he still have them on when he woke up bc he was laying down? I mean - I'm only going to complain so much b/c a hot actor is generally cast (yay Ed Norton!!!) but REALLY? And why he just take his pants off to being with so they dont get ripped? I'm pretty sure judging by the size of the Hulk's fists, no one's going to say anything about...well, you know what they say about a guy with big hands...
I'm off topic... The point is that I can only suspend reality so far. Surrender isnt my thing. Even a little.
But I had an amazing experience in yoga today. Being new to yoga the exercises & poses are still very difficult for me. I'm moderately flexible to some degree, but I still want to back over yoga instructors with my car b/c it's just unnatural what they can do. And I'm jealous of that. So it was a big struggle for me to find my way into a pose and then work through the discomfort while I was there. And the instructor said to imagine a friend helping you through the poses. Immediately my mind went to my Buddy Lindsay. And it was like she was there with me. I imagined her gently guiding me more deeply into poses. I imagined her reminding me to just breath (as she often does anyway!). I imagined her with me each step of the way & having that support made things seem easier. More comfortable. Like something I could get through. She's my relaxation muse. She's someone I can surrender to and that's very special to me. And that's no just make believe in yoga - she's that person to me in the real world. She's the person to talk me off a ledge & back up from laying down and rolling over. She's the person there helping me to embrace the world & get out of my shell. She tells me when I get to be right & she point out when it's my turn to be wrong (Rare but i happens). She's one of the few people in my world that I will comfortably look in the eye. There's not a doubt in my mind that when I need a spot - she's the one I want behind me because she will never let me fall.
My practice in surrender petrifies me because it means opening myself up to being burned again and again. It means standing on a trust fall platform praying to God that everyone is still there even though I can't see them & they're ready to catch me. I have more than just Lindsay in my world to support me - more people than I will attempt to list out of fear of missing someone. By surrounding myself with the right people who love me and support me, over and over again I'll be reminded what it feels like to release into the unknown and come out the other side stronger. And it might mean moving some people slightly further out from my circle of influence, but it also means filling my inner circle with those whose love & light will not just shine to warm my heart and spirit but to lift me up to becoming closer to the person I was made to be. And if I play my cards right - I just might be that person to them too.
A seemingly random post on facebook today came back to me in a whole new light when considering surrender. A friend of mine was talking about his Dad - who would have been 97 today if he was still alive - and spoke so highly of what a fantastic man he was. He cared for his family & was a hard worker to put all 10 kids through Catholic schools & was an all around great role model - especially judging by results in Michael. And someone commented "Can anyone be that anymore?" And I had to post back - of COURSE they CAN. It's not a question of can they - it's a matter of WILL they. Will someone do what it takes to be the person that meets their goals and dreams or will someone count the costs and sell themselves short? That's an individual decision that we're all faced with each day with small wants & big dreams. Are you a muse or just a joke?
No comments:
Post a Comment